Parents: Be Intentional About Your Kids’ Lives
By Family Minister, Dr. Brandon Steenbock
Parents, if ever there was a lesson in knowing what your kids are up to, we saw it recently with the school shooting in Madison. A 15-year-old girl took a handgun into her school and killed two people, injured others, and then killed herself. It’s a grisly picture. What was going on in this young woman’s mind and heart?
What we know is a distressing picture. It seems the girl was obsessed with school shooters. She wrote about how she felt men were the problem with the world and that they needed to be eliminated. She had contact with a 20-year-old California man who had his own plans to bomb a government building. Meanwhile, her parents were going through years of marriage drama, including multiple divorces and remarriages. It’s no wonder, then, that her parents seemed oblivious to what she was doing online.
I don’t want to stand in judgment. I don’t know their whole situation. But it highlights an important fact – these things don’t happen in a vacuum. Teenage girls – or teenage boys, for that matter – don’t shoot their classmates and teachers on a whim.
Before you dismiss this as a symptom of a disordered family, remember that on the surface, they may have seemed rather normal. Lots of people get divorced. They still had the means to send their daughter to a private Christian school. They were part of the school’s community. People knew them as a family.
At the risk of sounding an old cautionary PSA – “It could happen to you!” – let me point out that unless we control our kids’ internet activity, they have access to all the information and influences the internet has to offer. In other words, if we aren’t vigilant about our kids’ internet use, they can end up in dark and dangerous places.
So rather than just dismiss this event as another tragic story from a dark world – which it is – let’s take it as a call to action for our own families and children. If we want to take Scripture seriously, we have a big job. Deuteronomy 6 says to teach our kids God’s Word “when you lie down and when you get up” (morning and evening), “when you go out and when you come in” (both in and out of the home), “as you walk along the road” (while traveling). Or, to put it another way, “All the time!” That’s involvement. That’s intentional conversation. That’s regular, multiple times a day interaction over God’s Word. That’s not letting them slip through the cracks or letting their online activities or social interactions get them to the point where they have lost sight of their Savior.
How does that look in practice? Here are some things I think you should consider immediately:
- Stop giving your kids privacy in their online activity. Your kids are not entitled to privacy. In fact, putting Deuteronomy 6 into practice feels like literally the opposite of giving our kids privacy. And why should we? They’re children. Our job is to raise them as disciples of Jesus and keep them safe from the devil, the world, and their own sinful flesh.
- Stop giving your kids access to social media. Child psychologists have pretty much agreed for over a decade now that social media is bad for kids. The minimum recommended age for a social media account is 13, but many think that’s far too young. Did you survive high school without Snapchat? So can your child. An even better question to ask is, will social media make your child more healthy, holy, or lead them closer to Jesus?
- Stop ignoring your children for the sake of your own screen. How much time do you spend on your own device? Sucked into your phone or computer? Can you really disciple your kids well through your screen? If you’re in the same room as your child, put down the device and start talking. I know – our kids don’t always give us many words. But they give us none when we’re too distracted to notice them.
Here’s the good news, especially if you look at those three points and already feel a little beaten down: God redeems everything, and he can redeem your parenting. If you’re thinking, “Alright, Brandon, I get it! I already messed this one up!” There’s hope.
Jesus has power even in our screens, our social media spaces, and our device-dictated homes. His power comes through the Gospel and prayer, so get practical with it! Here are three steps to take today:
- Set aside time each day for Bible reading and prayer. I’m betting, if this article is hitting home, that you have some time of the day when everyone is sitting parked in front of a screen, each doing their own thing. Why not use some of that time to read your Bible? You could all read together, or you could have everyone read their own. Either way, a daily rhythm is powerful.
- Make time for your marriage. A solid foundation for your home – built on a strong, Christ-centered marriage – is worth more than the best parenting strategies. Marriage problems have a way of hurting our kids far more than we realize, so heading those off with intentionality is a great way to keep our kids happy and healthy.
- Talk with your kids often about their Savior. According to researcher Christian Smith, the number one predictor that your kids will grow up with faith is if you as a parent talk about it at home. When you talk with your kids about Jesus, you also open up conversations about the tough things in life and the stuff they’re struggling with. And you can meet that with true comfort and hope from Jesus.
Our kids weren’t meant to figure out this world on their own. Our devices open up way too many doors for them to find their way down dangerous and dark paths. It’s our job to be intentional about guiding them toward the light of Jesus.