“The Two Shall Become One” — Sex, Intimacy, and Vulnerability
By Family Minister, Dr. Brandon Steenbock
Sex is more than just sex. You know this. I know this. We feel it deeply. But we don’t always live like it. The Enemy is a liar who wants to steal your joy, passion, and freedom, and because sex is so special, he lies about this a lot. Often we believe the lies, or are affected by the lies, and sex becomes a difficult – even painful – subject.
But truth has a way of healing wounds. I’m going to expose some of the lies we tend to believe, and confront those lies with biblical truth. Hopefully, you’ll find healing here.
(Important note: If your marriage or sex life is marked by abuse, force, or coercion, some of what you will read may be triggering or confusing. Please see a counselor or abuse advocate to get help and safety.)
Lie #1: Sex is a “necessary evil”
This was the message of the Church for many years, sometimes outright, sometimes implied. Sex was not talked about, and when it was, it was mostly only to tell young people, “Don’t do it!” Women were told they had to put up with it, men were told they had to restrain it, and generally, the impression was given that we ought not enjoy it. For many, the pain of unfulfilling sex is linked to a strong sense of guilt and shame over their sexual desire or experiences.
The Truth: Sex is a good gift from God.
We see in the creation of man and woman in Genesis 1 that “God blessed them and said, ‘Be fruitful and multiply, fill the earth and subdue it’” (Genesis 1:28). He blessed them. In a good world, a good God said, “Go make babies!” and this was a blessing. We see further in Genesis 2 that the first two humans “were naked, and they felt no shame” (Genesis 2:25). In a good world, a good God made his people to enjoy the intimacy, vulnerability, and safety of knowing each other fully. Sex was made by a good God for a good world. Sin may have infected creation, but the original design is still good, and sex is a part of it.
Lie #2: The Bible lets men force their wives to have sex
Many women have experienced the pain of being pressured, forced, and abused by husbands who were taught that since the Bible says, “Do not deprive each other,” it means they have the right to demand sex whenever and however they please. This has often been dismissed by pastors and spiritual leaders who claim they are teaching the Bible when they are really just excusing cruelty. It’s a lie, and we are all the worse for it.
The Truth: Sex is a gift God calls husbands and wives to give to each other
First, we need to remember the call to husbands: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). Jesus doesn’t love by force. Jesus doesn’t abuse. A Christ-like husband is one who makes his wife feel safe and served.
In 1 Corinthians 7:2-5, Paul writes, “But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
Notice the attitude of mutual giving in this passage. It is a two-way street, each yielding to the other. In practice, no husband has the right to demand sex, nor the wife. Any spouse who uses force or demands or abuse is sinning against God and against their spouse. And it needs to stop. Husbands and wives are called to selflessly give. Your sexuality is a gift to your spouse – offered in the safety and security of a loving and trusting relationship.
To the spouse who has felt pressured, forced, or abused: Your God sees, and he wants you to be free. Find a counselor, a pastor who understands, or a friend who can walk you through setting clear boundaries and getting safe, even if that means stepping away for a time.
If you’re committed to healing your marriage, and you are safe, work with a counselor to find a way to communicate this to your spouse: “I want to have a thriving marriage and sex life, but it needs to be mutual. I will no longer be forced, but I will work with you to make this mutually beneficial and enjoyable for us both.”
Lie #3: Sex isn’t that important to a strong marriage
A man once sat in my office and told me, “My wife just always says no. She told me she doesn’t plan to ever have sex with me again. What should I do?” When I met with his wife, she said, “I just don’t see why it’s so important to him. Marriage isn’t about sex, so why does he think we need it?”
I don’t know the origin of this lie, but I know that it is prevalent. Researchers use the term “sexless marriage” to describe any couple that has sex fewer than ten times a year, and estimate that as many as 20% of couples fit into that description. A stricter definition is a couple that hasn’t had sex at all in a 12-month period, and there are an estimated 15% of couples that fit that description.
In other words, it is not a rare problem. There are probably many factors – lack of enjoyment on the part of the wife, maybe shame and guilt from past experiences, lack of connection and understanding, and cultural messages that sex is a “guy thing” and that husbands are just unthinking animals.
The Truth: Sex is a necessary part of a thriving marriage
That passage above from 1 Corinthians 7 doesn’t really leave you open to just dismissing sex from your marriage. In fact, it basically says that as long as you have a safe and loving relationship, you really don’t have the right to say no to your spouse. Maybe sometimes you have to say, “Not right now,” or “Not until…” There may be practicalities. Marriage is the only godly place for sex to happen; they are sinning if they’re getting sex anywhere but you. And you don’t get to decide for your spouse that they no longer get to have sex.
This is more than just a rule to follow. Sex is part of the heart of marriage. It’s an expression of the intimacy and commitment you made on your wedding day. It was inherent in the promises you made on your wedding day. It’s an exclusive act that belongs to you and your spouse and no one else. It’s a way to reflect the fully known and fully loved relationship God intended marriage to be.
If there’s a reason you find it hard to be interested in sex with your spouse, this may be a time to get help. If you’re struggling with past trauma or anxious feelings, see a counselor and talk about it. If the challenge is physical – ED, painful sex, post-pregnancy, or hormonal changes – see a doctor and discuss options. (Let me note here that God gives us incredible freedom within marriage, and there are ways to serve each other apart from intercourse.) Don’t ignore it – fight for a stronger marriage that can thrive on a strong sex life.
Lie #4: Sex is just something you do with your body
Porn, hookup culture, third-wave feminism, and alpha-male subculture have all pushed this message on us, and it’s causing unchecked damage. We don’t realize how much casual sex hurts us until after the wounds have set in. Even secular researchers emphasize that the people with the fewest sexual partners have the highest satisfaction, and the more you mess around, the harder it is to be happy.
But you’re in a monogamous marriage, you don’t have anything to worry about, right? Except this message can mess married couples up, too. Those cultural messages worm their way into our view of sex. It gets treated like a to-do list item, an inconvenient but necessary function. “Let’s get this over with,” a husband sighs. “Can you finish already?” a wife mutters during sex. Some will convince themselves that things like porn and masturbation don’t matter, because it’s “just sex” or “just bodies,” and slowly the marriage suffocates.
The Truth: Sex is a reflection of the Gospel
Sex is so much more than our bodies. In Ephesians 5:32, Paul writes that the real secret behind marriage is that it was never just about marriage, never just about two people and their happiness. It was always intended to point to the beautiful union, intimacy, and unending love of Christ and his bride, the Church.
And sex, that moment when a husband and wife give themselves fully to each other in an act of love, intimacy, and passion, reflects the deep love, intimacy, and passion Jesus has for his people. The point here is not to sexualize the gospel, but to elevate sex to what it’s rightfully about. In Jesus, we are fully known and fully loved, and when a husband and wife give themselves fully to each other, they experience a hint of what that means.
So if you’ve fallen into the trap of treating your sex life like an item on the to-do list, or if you’ve cheapened sex with porn or smut, or if you’ve just gotten to the point where it feels like it’s just not exciting and passionate… there’s help. Let me encourage you to reach out to a pastor, a friend, or a counselor to start rediscovering what sex was meant to be. At the end of this article, I’ll recommend some books that open conversations about what it looks like to have a more fulfilling sex life.
Lie #5: Marriage makes sex boring.
This is the lie that every sitcom tells, but I think we still fall for it. We think we need to have all the wild sex we can when we’re young, because when we’re older, it’s going to just be routine, uninteresting, drab. That becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy; we get married and start telling ourselves this is the way it is, and so we settle for less-than-the-best.
This lie often leads couples down dark roads. They think they need to spice things up in the bedroom, and they get bad advice that tells them to use porn, erotica, and fantasies. They get into activities that are demeaning or hurtful, thinking it will add excitement.
The Truth: Married sex is the best sex
Research consistently shows that the people having the best sex are those who are married and exclusive with each other, and that most of the time, it just gets better as they grow older and closer. Far from putting a damper on an exciting sex life, marriage actually sets you free. When you know that person will be there in the morning, you can give yourself completely. When you learn to communicate well, it leads to joyful exploration. When your spouse makes you feel safe, sex can become an amazing experience.
God encourages this. The entire book of Song of Songs is a joyful endorsement of sexual love in marriage. Go read it yourself – and be aware that all the talk of flowers and fruits and trees is not actually about gardening. You’ll figure it out.
The writer of Hebrews says, “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure” (Hebrews 13:4). God doesn’t want us to spoil the joyful exploration of our sexuality by introducing other people and things that would turn a husband and wife away from each other.
A pastor friend of mine was known to say, “If you’re not married to it, don’t have sex with it.” You don’t need porn, erotica, fantasies, or kinky practices to spice up your bedroom life. God has given us enough in these bodies to explore; we just need good communication, a sense of freedom, and a willingness to respond in love to each other’s requests.
Lie #6: Your sexual past makes you dirty and broken
By now, you’ve read six lies, and I’m guessing at least one has impacted your sex life. You’ve heard six truths, and hopefully found some healing. But this lie probably cuts at the heart of almost all of us. Whether you came from a puritan culture that repressed your sexuality and has made it feel broken, or an abusive situation that made you feel humiliated, or a sinful pattern that has left you feeling dirty, you know how much pain comes with sex. The devil would like nothing more than for you to be convinced that this means it will never be good. That you will always feel ashamed, or stuck, or sad. He wants to convince you that you will never be whole.
Truth #6: God will redeem your past and give you a beautiful future
The devil is a dirty, rotten liar. Do you remember what happened three days after Jesus died? His broken, blood-stained, abused, dead body suddenly took a deep breath, and burst forth in glory and light and life. The chains of death and shame and sin and humiliation were broken, shattered for all eternity.
If Jesus is powerful enough to rise from death and give you eternal life, don’t you think he’s powerful enough to redeem your sexuality? Don’t you think he can wash away all the past, mend all the hurts, and give you a hope and a future? Yes, he can.
It may not happen overnight. But if you would take steps toward a deeper understanding of what he has given you in your marriage, and you would seek his guidance day after day, I believe you will find the beauty of sex again. The beauty of being fully known and fully loved. The beauty of mutual self-giving. The joyful celebration of total intimacy incarnate.
So I challenge you: take a step. Whether that’s getting counseling, finding a good book,* or just opening a conversation together, you won’t move forward until you do something. So what are you waiting for? This is your permission to embrace a beautiful sex life as part of a thriving marriage, because God blesses it, and he blesses you.
Prayer: Lord, thank you for your blessing on my sex life. I have believed lies that have kept me from experiencing all that you give to me and my spouse. Forgive me. Forgive my spouse. Help me see the lies for what they are – attacks from the Enemy to steal my joy and your blessing. Teach me to love my spouse as you have loved me. Help us find a place of love, safety, and respect that leads to trust, intimacy, and enjoyment. Heal our wounds, strengthen our bonds, and give us a hopeful future. Amen.
If your marriage or sex life is marked by abuse, force, or coercion, healing will come at a cost. You may need to set boundaries in your current relationship, get safe, or work with a counselor to find your next steps. All that I wrote above is intended to help, but may be less helpful if you are not safe or are healing from trauma. Please reach out to someone who can help.
*Recommended reading list:
- The Gift of Sex by Cliff and Joyce Penner
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman
- Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas
- See Through Marriage by Ryan and Selena Frederick
- Sheet Music by Kevin Leman